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Project Kenshin

O-mae no shi wa zettai da
Kenshin says: You are so dead!
Really! Maybe more like, your death definitely is!





Goals

In any case, the primary goal of Project Kenshin is to get the package out of the post office without waiting until Monday.

Secondary goals are:

1. Kill Palm-Tree-Head-Guy!
2. Either (a) kill Janeway or (b) encase Voyager in ice.

Methods
to achieve these goals:

Primary goal:
Convince Kenshin to (a) get the package and (b) not kill us.



Secondary goals:
1. Send Kenshin after P.T.H.G.

Sessha wa, mou hitokiri de wa nakute, rurouni de gozaru.*


2. (a) Send Kenshin after Janeway

I said...


(b) Alter history in order to, in a horribly complicated way, cause Voyager to be encased in ice, and as a side effect, stop the Meiji Revolution.

!!


2(b) was determined to be too dangerous (Kenshin, remember) so we are going with alternative a.

For both methods, Kenshin will be required, specifically obedient hitokiri Kenshin.

...


To get Kenshin, we will need technology:

1. a time machine (definitely)
2. a dimensional transporter (probably)
3. force fields (to prevent undesired Kenshin-related death)

Plan to acquire technology:

Borrow it from Washu.

Plan to contact Washu in order to borrow technology:

PLAN A: Use dimensional transpo-- wait, that's one of the things we want to borrow from Washu in the first place.

PLAN B: Jump up and down and yell "Washu!" (or possibly "Washu-sama!") until she notices and takes pity on us, hopefully before Monday when the post office opens.



Having traveled back in time, we must convince Kenshin to do our bidding.

Things to tell Kenshin:

Note to self: do not listen to any strange people who appear from time-travel vortices.
Actually, you need to warn your past self, not your current or future self :)
Oh. I don't remember you, so...
Or we could have created/be going to create an alternate timeline.
...


1. We are very very important Meiji Revolution leader/strategist-type people.

2. Our package contains very secretive and important Meiji Revolution information. Why does it look like Martian Successor Nadesico DVDs? Because it's so secret that we encoded it really, really, really well.

3. Palm-tree-head-guy is hindering the revolution.

4. Janeway is hindering the revolution.

Wow, this is actually working out rather well if we can pull off the contacting Washu part. Now the only remaining issue is how to make PTHG's death painful and drawn-out. The current thought on this subject is that Kenshin should be required to kill him with his hands tied behind his back, ankles bound together, and using a piece of lint.

Hen na yatsu de gozaru.**


(According to our calculations, this may drag out the death to a length of almost five minutes.) However, for our plan to be complete, we need a strategy to convince Kenshin that this particular method of killing P.T.H.G. somehow benefits the revolution. A team of our top experts is currently working on that.

By experts you mean...


Well, I couldn't find experts, all I could find were bugs and a lizard, but I couldn't catch the lizard or the live bugs ... I did find some dead bugs, and they are currently working on that. Or possibly just lying there. ... You killed them, didn't you!

No...






Kenshin vs. ATM



There are no ATM's in Meiji-era Japan...






Footnotes:
* I'm not a hitokiri anymore, I'm a wanderer. [Would Kenshin say "de wa nakute" or is there some weird form of "de gozaru" for that?]
** You are weird.